Walk of Shame


It has been over 18 months since my last post. That is a confession in itself! Life has thrown a number of stumbling blocks my way and like a fool, I let them distract me from discipline.

Last month, I went back to my Bariatric Doctor with my tail between my legs, embarrassed and feeling like a failure. I had reached a weight I said I’d never go back to, ever. And yet there I was, 25 pounds more than my last visit, losing meals regularly and finding foods high in carbs that stayed down. My evening snacking behavior had returned, mostly because I had lost my dinner and was hungry at 8:30pm. The fact that my husband seemed to be able to have evening snacks, including ice cream, made me feel like I deserved it as well.

I had 6 months in PT for severe tendonitis in my right foot. For most of that time I was limited to 10-15 minutes of walking. A far stretch from what I had been doing the year before. I gained 20 of those pounds during that time.

I had a series of viruses, colds, allergic reactions, new diagnoses like Menieres that mean treadmills and ellipticals are forever banned. My Pilates routine was disrupted by the business moving further away and focusing more on meditation and yoga, in which I have no interest. My running is derailed for a while until my foot has fully healed.

Excuses? Well, all these things led to excuses. I’m too tired. There is no exercise I can do. I deserve a break today. And sometime during that pity-party time, I stopped stepping on the scale. Because I cried every time I did.

We had a major remodel of our kitchen in 2015, so food preparation was limited. I started choosing foods that were higher in carbs and lower in protein. Someplace in that time, I decided my tea wasn’t sweet enough and had increased my raw sugar intake as well.

i was not happy with myself. I had failed, when I said I wouldn’t let that happen! What do you do then? How do you motivate yourself to get out of the bad habits? I guess the same way as before the lap-band. You just decide you don’t like the added weight. Your body reminds you of issues like arthritis that you hadn’t suffered for a while. You look in the mirror and shudder. You try very hard to do a selfie without a double chin. You struggle with buying new clothes, and being comfortable.

Sometime last month, things clicked in me and I just couldn’t take the gain anymore. I did go back with my tail between my legs, got some fluid removed so meals could stay down, listened to the nutritionist remind me of good eating habits, and started journaling my food again. What a difference that alone makes! If I’m honest, and journal everything that goes in my mouth, and let my FitBit tell me if I was active enough, my head seems to follow. I’m eating much less. I cut out the carbs of potatoes, most grains and convenience foods. Up with the protein, fruits and vegetables! I’m losing weight again.

Did you hear that? I’m going down again! I’m down 12 pounds since last January! That’s a healthy rate, by the way. A few snug clothes are a bit more comfortable. The arthritis pain is already gone. And that encourages me to move more.

Then life throws in a few changes. Very high heat index. Upcoming surgery. Visits and traveling. How can I stay motivated? How can I keep from being distracted by these changes? How can I increase exercise? Will I ever be able to run again?

I’m not sure I have the answers. I need support from others in the same position. I need to keep my expectations realistic. I need to turn quickly away from a bad habit returning. I need to step on the scale and let it give me the feedback I need.

A healthy, active lifestyle is what I need, with no more than 1200 calories a day. I hope my next blog entry is not so far away, with more admissions of failure. I want to stay accountable, even if no one reads this except me.

So, about 20 pounds to get to where I was, and then another 20 pounds to get where my doctor wants me. At 2 pounds a month, that is 20 months. I need to be in this for the long haul, that’s for sure!